Foundations of Mental Toughness — Essay 2

The Second Pillar: Connection

This is one I am really passionate about.

There are a few different strands to this:

• Connection to yourself, your inner connection
• Connection to others, and really feeling that flow both ways
• Connection to things and the world as a whole

Let’s start with a definition.

Connection can be described as building relationships that reinforce strength, growth, and stability.

Building relationships is a long and vulnerable process that is constantly changing throughout your life.

In school, your friends are often the people you spend time with because of similar interests, proximity, and routine. You see them often and it’s logistically easy. It makes sense to share a lift to school or sport.

At university it’s similar. You meet people through societies and shared interests.

At work it can become trickier. Maybe you join a workforce with a certain demographic and you feel unable to connect. I’ve felt this before, and when you don’t have connection, it can feel like everything starts to fall down.

Relationships reinforce strength, growth, and resilience.

At a race, my friend, 14 hours deep, said:

“I’d support you if I didn’t say I’d be nice to you.”

And that was exactly what I needed.

He knew it as well.

My best friend is someone who questions me, pulls me up for bad habits, and pushes me to grow because he cares.

There’s a quote about showing me the five people in your circle and I’ll tell you what you’re like. The influence people have on you is huge. You are the sum of many things, but one of them is absolutely your circle.

Building Relationships

There are romantic relationships, platonic relationships, and familial relationships. All are important.

There’s probably another type too. Maybe communal relationships. I’m not well read enough on that yet, but it matters.

Romantic Relationships

I’m not going to pretend to be an expert here, but I’ll share my thoughts.

I’ve realised that some relationships may only serve a point in time. That doesn’t make them any less valuable. You can still feel love, even if something does not last.

Building relationships takes:

• Knowing yourself
• Loving yourself enough to share parts of yourself
• Letting someone feel seen, heard, and supported

It’s allowing someone to be their true self without hiding it.

Relationships can come and go and look different at different stages of life. Good connections allow you to relax, express yourself, and show up naturally.

Familial Relationships

Familial connections can be challenging.

For the most part, family will love you regardless of what you do. And if you don’t have that, you often have to build support systems that can pick up the slack.

This is difficult.

We share the same bloodline, therefore we assume we should naturally be close. I struggled with this for a period.

Now I have a beautiful relationship with my family where I want to be connected to them because I want to have better familial relationships.

How do you build that?

Take time and identify what frustrates you.

Ask yourself:

• Are you trying to change someone into what you want them to be?
• Or is it something genuinely harmful that could be improved?

From there, come up with collaborative solutions where:

• You feel seen and heard
• The other person feels able to make change
• Both people understand the impact their actions have

Check in on it. Speak up for yourself. But also let people be themselves and build a relationship that works for who you both are at this point in time.

A huge part of relationships is recognising that they are always changing. Allow change to happen and evolve your methods with people as life evolves around you.

Community

There was a study on rats and heroin.

When isolated, the rats chose heroin.
When connected, they chose water.
The other rats lifted them up.

Whether every detail of the study is perfect or not, the message is powerful.

Community holds us together.

We are all part of the same spider web of life, from bin men to doctors. All our roles are equally important.

When the bin men strike, everything goes to chaos pretty quickly.

No person is less human than another.

Smile at the homeless. Give where you can. You never know when life could place you in someone else’s shoes.

Community is incredibly important, but it feels like parts of it are dying or becoming watered down. It’s harder now, but not impossible, to play your role in community.

Ask someone if they need help.
Speak to local business owners.
Smile.
Hold the door open.
Be good.

It is a circular economy and it will find its way back to you.

Friendship

The other huge connection is friendship.

How do you make friends as an adult?

As a 27 year old, it’s probably been one of my biggest challenges, and one of the reasons I started a community group.

Clubs and societies don’t really exist in the same way for adults, or at least not accessibly for everyone.

Join a community gym. They often do community really well.

Suffer with people. It brings you closer.

Join a new activity:

• Sports clubs
• Running groups
• Creative spaces
• Community events

Look at notice boards in shops. Read local bulletins. Go to events.

That’s the bare minimum.

And yes, it is scary to put yourself out there and risk rejection or not feeling fully connected, but at least you’re showing up.

If you go somewhere built around something you’re passionate about, chances are you’ll meet similar people.

And if it doesn’t exist?

Build it.

If one person turns up, that’s enough.

Once You Get There

Once you meet people, you then need to be you.

Ask good questions.
Be interested.
Try to find common ground.

Keep showing up.

It will sometimes be awkward and clunky. That’s normal. The currency of friendship is effort.

Notice who matches it and be grateful for them.

Building relationships comes down to:

• Effort
• Enthusiasm
• Authenticity

People are attracted to authenticity.

Lean into being the weird full version of yourself. Your vibe attracts your tribe.

One person cannot serve all your needs. That’s why it’s important to have a diverse friendship group across:

• Age
• Gender
• Ethnicity
• Political views
• Social and economic backgrounds

Being challenged by people is healthy. It reinforces growth and strength.

You should have:

• People who emotionally understand you
• People who offer practical solutions
• People who provide physical and logistical support

One person trying to be all of those things is too much.

Do you have good neighbours?

We’re More Connected Than We Think

Connection is incredibly important and we all play a role in how others experience the world.

The day you take a sick day, someone will notice your absence, even if only in a tiny way.

If you’re not there to smile at the shopkeeper or ask how their day is going, maybe nobody else will.

We are all connected.